Family

Christmas

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The noisy one

 I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time… we lost a great beautiful person this year; my husbands grandfather. He was the epitome of an example of a devout man. I, in the bottom of my heart consider him a Saint, and i honest to God pray to him sometimes.  His loss was bitter sweet, it wasnt like anything i’ve ever known, and i’ve had my share of lost loved ones, but his passing was something that will stay with me until the day i die. 

He dedicated his life to honoring and preaching the Virgin Mary, he would often say things like “i pray to God i become crazy,  crazy in love with our Virgin Mary”.

He was a hard headed man until the day he died and i loved that about him, his sense of humor, his boots (which he was very proud of and took excellent care of), his dedication, compassion and toxic love he spread though out the city, left a mark in my life that will stay with me for as long as i live. 

I hear my sisters, my husband my brothers in law complain about so many things, so many triavial things, whether it be “why are we eating ther again? Why are we discussing this again? When are you gonna change? Why can we be normal?, why why why this and that, and well one of the things everybody complained about was “grandpa always talks about the same thing, its always the same thing”… 

my husbands family had never had the misfortune of losing a loved one, i have.  And when i heard those comments over and over, over the years during gatherings and lunches, i always told myself inside “they dont get it”. And they didn’t. 

Now we all do. I know they wish for the same thing i have wished over and over again, to hear him preach and talk and bless us and lecture us… if only for one more time. 

i know i do. 

So to whoever reads this regardless of if your are a believer in whichever faith: treasure your loved ones, because the ones that make the most noise are the ones that are missed the most. “Inge” made the loudest noise. I’m sure the angels and all in heaven heard him. 

Love your family your loves ones, learn to love their imperfections and remember that whatever they do today that drives you insane may very well be very thing you miss the most when they’re gone. 

I had been meaning to write about his passing since the day he left us, but i just could not find the time of day…

I’m happy i could put at least a few words although none shine a light as bright a he did. I will forever miss you, i wish i had a grandfather like you growing up. My husband was lucky and all of us who had the chance to share a memory or just time with you are forever blessed. Thank u. 
With love,

-me. 

House

we are in the process of buying a bigger house… It will recquire a lot of work and money, but as my handsome husband said “its a place to grow our roots”

i like our house a lot, i keep thinking of having to sell it, hubby asked me how much we should sell it for and the first thing that comes to mind is my sons’ firts steps, the sink i bathed him and his sister when they were babies, all the memories that it holds…

I know we need a bigger place, i want a bigger place and i’m trying to little by little say goodbye to my first home…

I cant put a price on it, to me its priceless. So the realtor and my husband will have to do that. I will take the closet door, it has my kids heights as they’re growing up, thats all i want.

I’ve seen my husband mature so much through this ordeal, i’m trying really hard to not be a source of stress even though sometimes not asking about things stresses me out, i remember what my dad went through when there was a time when he couldnt afford to pay for the house my parents now own/thank God- and live in, i remember he knew around what time the bank people would come looking for him and he’d take walks in the park near by and my mom would lie for him; for us.   That memory… Has stayed with me all these years… i remember one day i went to the park to keep my dad company i looked at him from afar, he was sitting in a bench praying, i waited until he finished and started walking to catch up to him, he was so scared, but he hugged me anyways and told me ‘Do not worry, God may close a door but he always leaves a window open’, he finished paying the  house a few years after that.

i guess what i’m afraid of is to see my husband torn, stressed, and all the worring adjectives that come with money problems…

I never ever want that for my husband, i love him too much so much to ever want to put him knowingly in that position.

crazy december

i kinda just want december to be over… but then i think of all the things that need to be paid in january and it makes me want to press pause on today.

the stress of why didn’t i pay for expedite? will it get here on time? will he even like it? oh my gosh i don’t care anymore i want the stress to go away! buying presents for both families is stressful, it takes a toll on me, i want everyone to at least like their present or to acknowledge the time and thought put into it, but i know that’s just wishful thinking.

for this Christmas, we are spending it at my moms’, and it will be chaotic, 15 people in a tiny house, and i mean tiny, apartment size. i don’t know how that’ll go… as usual i’m hoping for the best, but one can only hope…

i’m going to impose a game before opening the presents… i’m going to have everyone who wants to open a present to say something they appreciate in life, something meaningful, not materialistic if they want to open their presents. i want my kids (3 & 5) to grow up knowing that moments and gatherings with friends and family are the things that matter. that we don’t need a gifts to have fun or that we don’t need them at all.

this is the first christmas that we actually go and buy something for the kids, i know it sounds weird but i just didn’t buy them things they are the only grandkids so gifts they were going to receive and i just didn’t think they needed one more. i didn’t grew  up spoiled, i don’t want them to either.

so to toysrus we went… that place is a nut house, a complete nut house! why didn’t i order the presents online… i didn’t even know what to get my daughter, my husband started to go for the boys toys so i headed for the girls… i mean there was nothing left!

Note to self: for next year buy the kids presents (if i buy them something) on october!

i ended up with a princess castle and the princesses which they of course sell separately, and a little princess piano. my husband got my boy a car race track and a star wars miniature figurine set, all in all almost 300 dlls… i was going to start looking for coupons or take something out, but i just… no… i mean no! i just wanted to get out of there.

 

Gas station

its almost midnight and i’ve been driving around with my two year old, she finally went to sleep, God bless her soul… It kills me to see her asleep in my vehicle. But i cannot stand my husband tonight. Tonight is one of those days that i will erase from our marriage/family memories. I’m at a gas station, literally just parked, thank god i have a pair of cushions which i very carefully put on my babys head.

I dont want to write about right now but if i dont the angry tears betray me.

I could not i could not stay awake anymore, i was exhausted i fell asleep, my daughter woke me up because she wanted her milk i swear to you i could not get up to make her milk i send my husband -who was in the other room playing his fucking computer game- a message to please give her her milk, and to be with her to put her to bed. I heard him hand her her milk she asked me to face her (she sleeps with us), and i fell asleep, the deep deep sleep, the kind where the sheets and the bed hug you and comfort you into a blissful sleep… Yeah well, that didnt last long, i couldnt open my eyes i could function well and my daughter kept telling me to get up to play to open my eyes, she went back and forth from the bedroom to the office, my husband just sent her away with either false promises of “i’ll be right there” or “not right now”, well i mean fuck! What is more goddamned important? And this is my everynight fairy tale.

Every night i put my kids to bed, change them, brush teeth, talk, pray sometimes, do the whole go to sleep routine, which if youre a mom you know its tireing as hell.

On good days he’ll help me bathe themand change them, but as soon as rhats done he’s sitting headphones on…

And it goes on for hours, i’ve searched help groups for wives with gamers at home, in forums, online chats,Etc, but really no one has a solution it all comes down to the person coming face to face with reality, which it rarely happens so most forums turn out to be a place where frustrated spouses speak their mind.

I met him this way, playing is part of who he is, i cant change that… And quite frankly i dont wish to waste my time and energy in that, but it fucking boils my insides when it comes to my kids  when he cant separate being a gamer and being a dad, when he thinks spending 15-20 minutes playing is “quality time”, oh and if i say something “i played with them yesterday for an hour” well fuck me! Its a brand new day!they’re your kids! Its your responsibility as a dad!

I dont want to say never but when they were babies i dont have a memory of him holding them and rocking them to sleep without me asking him to, which i did and it was usually a “let him fall asleep on his own” “let him cry”.

Your kids need you. Fuck you so much for making me write this. You are a great husband, but in the parent department you’re in red numbers. I know youll say “my dad wasnt like that”, well youre still upset about that arent you? It hurts you, well congratulations! You are on the same path! And whats sad its that u can choose to do to be different than what u grew up with but u lazily choose not to.

Yeah ur ar rhe house “early” but ur not with us. Not really. And u wont go to therapy.

All i want is a father for my kids.

I dont know how long i can live like this.

The 11th man.

  
 my husband is sitting in the kitchen reading a book. he never reads, the sight of him holding a book is surreal, the last book i saw him holding in his hand was LOTR, about two years ago, he was rereading it. other than that, he never reads, never ever, ever…he’s a gamer, a really handsome i must add.

two mondays ago he came home telling me a client had approached him because he had a business proposition, an interview for a new job. my husband owns his business. i saw him excited a twinkle in the eye… there was something. i thought it was the feeling of the prospect of doing something else, i don’t know, there was just something so i said; sure, go. this translates to ‘yes i’ll watch the kids, bathe them feed them, so you can go to your interview’. we have a very blessed life, thanks to his hard work, ethic, and determination, but most of all he is smart, something i’ve always admired. 

while  he was gone i started to remember what it felt like to go into interviews; the butterflies of uncertainty, the feeling of ‘yes i can, i got this shit down’… i felt genuinely happy for him.

what was the meeting about love?

i couldn’t tell you… i don’t know, they just wanted to know what my dreams were, things about our family, it was weird, and they gave me this book to read for our next interview… and they want you to come too.

i can’t begin to count the red alarms that went off of that sentence. but he looked puzzled and happy.

needless to say i tried to squeeze out information from him until i thought i could no more, but there was nothing really to tell me, he couldn’t remember their names, they didn’t tell him what they wanted him for, nothing…

i honestly thought they were swingers… i mean what the hell does anyone make of that? this coming from someone who back in time did her share of job interviews. my husband is not as experienced in the interviewee field. Its usually him that hires people, so i guess to be on the other side of the coin must feel pretty good for him, refreshing even. 

world war Z, the movie, there’s a part where brad pitt goes to israel to find out why israel is the only place where they seem to be winning the fight against zombies, this guy explains that there is a council of 11 men, he happens to be the eleventh man. the devil’s advocate.

‘i’ll go with you to this ‘interview’, but only as your 11th man’ i said.

they look like the perfect couple, they use moderate tones all the time even to laugh, i went to order a salad partly because i was hungry but mostly because i knew that if they had a plan the wife would follow me, she did… something is off with her, it’s like she is not allowed to think much… i can’t quite explain it, her conversation is very limited… unlike mine, but most of all she wanted me to like her… Her gestures, faces, complements… She’s either cucu-in-the-head or playing her part, neither are good. 

at the table they wanted to pull the same crap with me, i agreed to tell them a little bit about myself even pretended to be interested and happy to be there,  i told them my ”dream” which was to finish my book, i did this because i needed them to open up. after my change in tone they did, it’s basically a pyramid business.

now these people kept telling my husband that they saw a leader in him, they saw good qualities, they love how he talks and the stories, how open he is…  and my husband praised the book they gave him

i’m a book worm, i’m always reading something, i’ve recommend books to him but he just never, you know… he’s into computers, he’d play, i’d read.

my husband agrees to look into the business and attend a meeting with their mentor at a hotel. they did not give him any information but that. so i did my digging, called the hotel, googled whatever i could and i didn’t like what i found at all. i read some things i found to my husband and nothing clicked to him. i promise on the potato ships i’m eating right now out of desperation that i went in there with every pore in me telling me not to, but i did it because i love my husband.  i’ve been to these zombie job seminars, where they make you feel awesome only to use you like a disposable nipple.

i gotta hand it to the speaker, he was on point. i mean the guy knew his shit. he had everyone laughing- but me, everyone was feeding on each word he was saying, he could have been selling a gram of shit to snort and they would have bought it, sadly what got my attention was when he asked people to raise their hands my husband was participating… then he said ‘this room here is full of leaders isn’t it?’ my husband nodded. i felt my heart sink. i honestly thought he would go in there and laugh, and tell me in my ear ‘this guy feeds on fruity loops’. 

when we were driving back my beautiful husband was already making plans on how he woulds start this magnificent once in a lifetime business… he told me he was sure he was going to hear the 11th man opinion tomorrow, it is tomorrow, and baby… i’m hurting so much.

you, and i don’t need this. you don’t see it, but you’re changing. and it’s scary as hell.

i don’t want you to do this. i don’t think its a good idea. you’re my leader, where you go i go, but this time, you will come with me, you will follow me, because i love you and my bull-shit radar is about to do a 360 on me.

no job should tell you to choose who is or isn’t  good enough for you. because otherwise the definition of friend or family goes out the window.

my husband is a wonderful man full of qualities and defects, but i saw a side of him i didn’t know he had in that sheep-seminar… i saw a man that was hungry to belong somewhere, that needed to hear he was great.

it pissed me off.

to that asshole that must preach the same shit over and over in every state; fuck you. fuck you for luring people with pretty adjectives, fuck you for messing with peoples’ emotions and heads, fuck you for profiting from it.

my husband is so much so much more than  a leader, he has a heart dipped in gold, he is fucking Leonidas reloaded bitch, you are not worthy of my husband. i will squash all of you blood sucking mosquitoes. and my fucking dream is not to write a book, is to grow old with my husband, laughing at life. and we will laugh at this.